


What We Might Have Been

by justanothernobody



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, K-pop
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, F/M, Hopeful Ending, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Introspection, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Regret, Sad, What-If, lapselock, no beta as always we ride or die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26049040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanothernobody/pseuds/justanothernobody
Summary: there will always be a time and place for everything.at least, that's what yunho tells himself.
Relationships: Jung Yunho/Shim Changmin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 22





	What We Might Have Been

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: this fic is purely work of fiction and nothing in this is meant as hate to changmin and his marriage. i sincerely support his marriage and wish him and his future wife all the best in their journey. with that said, i also would like to add that i support tvxq wholeheartedly and i don’t wish for them to disband. so please take it with a grain of salt. enjoy!

* * *

**_five: the world turns upon its axis_ **

the harsh winds of winter blow upon yunho's face. the black face mask he's wearing does not aid at all in avoiding the cold air. all it does is fog his glasses every time he exhales - _damn annoying,_ he thinks. he's still shivering just slightly under his thick coat. he should’ve worn his scarf with him too, today.

therefore, stepping inside the company building is his lifesaver. the heaters immediately warm him up and he can finally stop rubbing his cold arms.

yunho can sense some fans turn their heads his way. he guesses that right now they're hurriedly taking their phones out to take a picture. if he were in a better mood he would spare them a glance, accompanied with his signature smile and a wave of his hand. he pays them no attention to it this time, only looking straight ahead and pressing the button of the elevator. because today, something doesn't feel quite right. it's been bugging him all morning, ever since he woke up and following through as he gets ready for his day. 

yunho admits, he doesn't usually get antsy like this often. hell, the last time he felt this bad was before the post-military press conference that he did with changmin. and before that, it was before their first stage as a duo. 

on both occasions, nothing bad had happened. yunho blamed his nerves for causing such a disturbance. he prays for the same to happen this time around. 

the elevator stops with a _ding_ , and yunho steps out into the corridor. first door at the left, and he unlocks it. inside the room is his manager, and changmin and his manager too. he greets them with a hello and a bow, and takes a seat beside changmin's. 

their managers are silent. an unusual occurrence, because every time he gets into a meeting room there is always some chatter. mundane, really, mostly some polite small talk. but still lively enough to brighten the atmosphere. this time the atmosphere is tense, so thick yunho is sure he can slice it right in two with a knife. 

“yunho-ssi,” his manager starts. he can tell he's treading cautiously with his words, as if stepping on shattered glass. 

yunho nods his way, signalling him to continue. he hesitates, looking at changmin's manager first, then changmin as well.

something is truly off today, and his senses _were_ right. in his head he mutters a short prayer, an act of desperation to prepare him for whatever bad news to come. 

“how do you feel about tvxq disbanding?”

oh _fuck_. 

  
  


* * *

**_four: there is never smoke without fire_ **

yunho tries his best to not lash out through the whole meeting. keyword: _try_

“i'm sure changmin-ssi told you that he will be getting married soon.”

  
  


_(no, changmin did not tell him that.)_

  
  


“we discussed with him a few days ago on what tvxq will do after his marriage.”

  
  


_(since when did yunho get excluded from meetings? and about his own group too. unbelievable.)_

  
  


the meeting is obviously rushed. it ends in only 15 minutes - a new record time. no doubt that it was only held to inform yunho, and not to discuss anything else. their managers are out the door as soon as it is finished. 

there's only changmin with him now. changmin his bandmate, who probably suggested the previous meeting without yunho to happen in the first place, so he can have more say in the possible outcome.

  
  


_(there's only changmin right now. changmin the boy he knew ever since he was 15. changmin the group member, who trusted him when three others didn't. changmin the friend, whom he trusted with all his secrets and fears during uncertain times. changmin the equal, when they stood on stage in front of thousands of awaiting fans._

_but now, he is none of that. now he is changmin the traitor, for wanting to end their group, for betraying his trust, for suggesting such an idea in the first place.)_

  
  


"you didn't tell me you were gonna get married," yunho blurts out. it sounds accusatory, in a way. god damn him and his lack of brain-to-mouth filter. 

changmin doesn't look his way at first. he keeps his gaze down at his lap. he takes a deep breath, then lifts his head to finally look yunho in the eye. 

there's surety in his gaze, a classic shim changmin look that yunho's been accustomed to ever since five became two. yunho stares back, unhappy and confused and borderline _angry_.

  
  


_(even changmin knows that it takes a lot to make him angry. the fact that yunho still isn't fully mad right now is a miracle of its own.)_

  
  


"i thought we could make our own decisions without telling each other about it anymore," changmin says, cooly. there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way he speaks, with that calm and neutral tone of his. it irks yunho, nonetheless. because yunho knows well that changmin is only putting up his facade. changmin was always scared whenever yunho gets close to fuming. 

"we worked so hard for tvxq, and this is what you decided to suggest to me."

changmin raises a brow. "i didn't suggest it to _you_ , yunho. i suggested it to _them_."

  
  


_(it's really no different, because suggesting the idea to their managers just meant that changmin didn't want to relay it to him directly. hell, changmin even excluded him from the meeting before this. the sole fact that he didn't want to say it to yunho firsthand finally breaks something inside of him.)_

  
  


"why didn't you say it to me first then, huh? didn't we say we were going to communicate if we had problems along the way?" 

yunho's sure he sounds incredibly petty, like a child throwing a tantrum when their parents refuse them candy. he can't help it. not when changmin is asking for something beyond what his mind can imagine. 

he had always thought tvxq would last forever. that _u-know yunho and max changmin_ would last forever. clearly, he had been wrong. 

“i just wanted the best way out for us. and disbanding was the only plausible choice i see,” changmin explain. yunho refuses to be reasoned with. damn changmin and his diplomatic talk - he's doing nothing but saying some nonsense. damn him. 

yunho stands up, his chair creaking back with a loud screech as it moves against the floor. the sheer force he pushes it with even makes the chair fall back. it hits the tiles with a crack.

"i hate you," yunho seethes. "i hate you so fucking much."

and he storms out of the room. 

  
  


* * *

**_three: direction is more crucial than speed_ **

fast. yunho's life was always fast.

there's not a better word he can use to describe it. his life ever since he turned 15 was always a matter of doing everything faster - to eat faster, so he has energy to train faster, to grow up faster, to debut faster. and once he debuted, it was to work faster, to dance faster, to recover faster. a constant loop of speed that leaves him with a physical pain in his body that he cannot shake off even after almost two decades.

yunho does not like it when his pace isn't fast. he's grown up doing everything in a hurry, as if it's his last day on earth. he's greedy - he wants so _so_ much. but the 24 hours in a day doesn't accommodate him. he worked because that's all he's known to do, and yunho's aware the company has exploited his workaholic tendencies. he's had work piled up upon him for years, comeback after comeback all in the span of 4 years. nonstop flying to and from japan as tvxq’s promotion schedules fill up. and in between that he gets even more things to do, with interviews he has to attend and variety shows to guest in. 

  
  


_(he worked tirelessly to develop u-know yunho the idol and never jung yunho the person behind the masterpiece.)_

  
  


all of it doesn’t add up. he’s always thought that the more you devote yourself to something the longer it will last. and yunho’s devoted his entire life for tvxq. all his life’s work seems to crumble away in the span of a fifteen-minute meeting.

nothing in his 17-year-long career has prepared him for this. _disbandment_ \- god, the word still tastes horribly bitter on his lips. he's sacrificed so much of his life for tvxq, and in the back of his mind he knows nothing will ever last forever. but this time it's just too real, the fear of disbandment isn't just another 'what if' joke anymore. not another thing he can laugh about with his friends when they meet up for drinks every friday night. not another threat changmin can use when they get into a future fight.

it's a fact - soon to be true in the near future. 

because jung yunho the person, the man behind all the glitz and glamour, is still a boy. he's still the boy that is freshly debuted, just beginning to step into fame. he's the boy who hasn't made it big just yet, but is slowly doing so by catching the hearts of fans through every performance. he’s still the clumsy leader, strong-willed to become better.

most of all, yunho's still the boy in love with changmin, back when they were 20 and 18 respectively, when the whole world felt like theirs and time seemed infinite. when he felt like a star shining so brightly in the night sky, as his group finally gets the recognition that they deserve. when the two of them fall to rock bottom and rise up to be even stronger.

if yunho closes his eyes, he can still picture it - the stolen moments before they head onto stage, whispering sweet nothings into changmin's ears as they lay side by side after a long day, the warmth of changmin's hand in his. in his mind, every bit of memory is stored. he can still hear changmin’s sweet laugh, and the way his eyes light up.

it’s pathetic that he can remember every moment he spends with changmin with alarming clarity. there's nothing more that yunho wants than to rewind their moments. back when everything was still okay - when he felt unstoppable.

  
  


_(yunho doesn’t realise it at first, but when he brings a palm to rub his face it is damp. quickly he reaches for his phone. the camera app opens, and there he is - sad and tearful. there’s a line of tears flowing steady over his cheeks, dripping down onto the collar of his sleep-shirt._

_ah, how much more pathetic can he get, yunho thinks. he makes for such a miserable sight.)_

  
  


his fingers tap to exit the camera app, as if on autopilot, he opens his keypad and dials in. it’s a set of numbers that he’s overly familiar with. one he can type even with both his eyes closed.

_ring… ring… ring..._

the other side comes through.

"i'm sorry, changminnie. please forgive hyung," is the first thing yunho says when changmin picks up.

the line is silent. changmin is no doubt barely awake, probably still rubbing sleep out of his eyes. yunho can’t blame him - after all, it is 2 a.m. and changmin was undoubtedly asleep. 

his soft voice finally is heard. "it's alright, hyung."

"i don't hate you, changmin. _god_ , i can never hate you. you could kill me in my sleep and i still wouldn't be able to hate you after that, even for just a bit."

changmin sighs, yunho can't tell if it's relief or exasperation. he bets it's equal parts of both, judging from the resignation in his voice. 

"i know, yunho. i won't pretend like you didn't hurt me with them, but i know you didn't mean to say those words." 

yunho releases a breath he didn't know he was holding. he turns his head, hoping to avert his attention to something other than his cream-colored walls. he sees the framed picture of them both on the opposite wall - it was taken after promotions for their first comeback ended, and when they felt positive for whatever was to come.

he can’t hold back his tears anymore.

“i- i still shouldn’t have said it. i know i hurt you with those words, and if i could take it back i will gladly do so. please know i said them because i was so scared, changmin-ah. because i can't-"

  
  


_(because i can't stand the thought of almost losing you again.)_

  
  


changmin shushes him softly. even like this, when yunho’s the one in the wrong, changmin will still be the one to comfort him. his soft voice is soothing, calming, and it only makes yunho feel more apologetic.

shim changmin is a blessing, yunho thinks. what would he ever do if he hadn’t met the younger man?

“it’s alright, hyung. i forgive you, so please - go to bed, yeah?”

yunho nods to himself. “thank you, changmin. okay, alright, i’ll sleep. i’ll go to your place tomorrow and i’ll make things right.”

  
  


* * *

**_two: there is nobody better suited_ **

things settle between them easily after that. meetings to discuss their final concert were held, all with that same melancholic air surrounding them. 

  
  


_(it hasn’t really sunk in yet that this is their last tour - their last stage, their last goodbye. yunho’s not sure how he’ll feel after all this is over, because then there will be nothing for him yet. most of his life felt planned out, written in the pages of a cheap agendas bought from convenience stores. but now, he’s planning for ultimately the last event, and after that his schedules are empty. there’s no more tvxq after this - moving forward, it’s just u-know yunho the soloist. no more u-know yunho of tvxq.)_

  
  


changmin asks him for a favour one day. “i’d like you to meet my fiance,” he requests.

yunho easily agrees.

  
  


_(he has always been bad at denying changmin anything. back when changmin was sixteen, and even now when he’s thirty-two.)_

  
  


a date is set. yunho rings his doorbell exactly three times, and changmin opens the door for him. he ushers yunho in with an easy smile. yunho takes his bag and puts it on the couch. the whole apartment smells fragrant, and yunho is sure that changmin and his fiance had been cooking dinner together, if the apron tied around changmin’s waist is anything to go by.

she comes out of the kitchen just a moment later with a steaming plate of pasta, prettily arranged on a white dish and garnished with parsley. she sees yunho, and greets him with a polite smile.

“i’ll go wash my hands for a bit,” she says, excusing herself.

changmin turns to him, a curious look in his eyes. “any first impressions?”

yunho ponders a bit, trying to phrase his words. “she seems very much your type,” he says, with a grin. changmin laughs, and slaps his shoulder playfully for good measure. she comes back, and they get seated at the dining table.

he discovers that she is a very good cook. and that she and changmin are basically made for each other.

  
  


_(if changmin and yunho are parallel lines - always close but never together - she and changmin are perpendicular ones - meeting at a point to create a perfect right-angle._

_if changmin and yunho are two sides of the same coin, then she and changmin weren’t even on those different sides. they are two pictures on one half of the coin, and yunho was behind them, living through blissful ignorance.)_

  
  


after dinner, he helps them clean up. changmin wipes the table down, yunho and her wash the dishes. they work together silently, tensely, because yunho knows she thinks of herself as a stranger to him.

“you’re a wonderful person, and i believe you’ll make changdol-ah very happy,” yunho says. she stops in surprise, a dirty plate still grasped between her soapy hands.

“i- i thought you’d hate me,” she replies. “i heard a lot about you from changmin. and i had a feeling that for some reason, maybe you’d hate me for taking him away from you - from tvxq.”

yunho nods, and bites his lip. clearly, his fiance knows enough about them to be able to make that assumption. it is either changmin has told her plenty, or she can sense their connection.

  
  


_(maybe, just maybe, changmin had felt the same. maybe, the undeniable attraction he felt between them had, in fact, been tangible. maybe it had even been reciprocated. maybe yunho simply had never taken notice, or even been scared to see it all._

_maybe, his ignorance had been the root of the problem.)_

  
  


“now, why would i hate you? you make changmin very happy, and i’m glad about it.”

she stays silent, and when she turns to look at yunho her eyes are glassy. “thank you, yunho-oppa. i promise i’ll always make him happy - cross my heart.”

  
  


* * *

**_one: go out with a bang_ **

their final concert is planned to be nothing short of incredible - a three-day concert at the seoul olympic stadium. on top of that, a ton of merchandise sold at their online store. it is no doubt a last effort from the company to squeeze out as much profit from tvxq while they still can. and it proves to be correct too, seeing how the tickets are sold out in a record of 18 minutes, and their merchandise even has to be restocked several times. 

before their concert, yunho promises to give the awaiting fans his all. he promises to show the best of himself, to give them a night worth remembering.

  
  


_(because there is nothing else after this - no more ‘changmin and me’. changmin has been erased from the grand scheme of things.)_

  
  


the concert setlist is arguably the most exhausting one he’s done throughout his whole career. ‘ _the chance of love’_ is the first song they perform, then ‘ _something’_ , and ‘ _the way u are’_ , before they do a small ment. yunho doesn’t even have time to feel exhausted. he _can’t_ feel exhausted, not when today’s the last time he’ll be able to perform for the thousands of fans watching him.

_'before u go’_ plays last. 

admittedly, performing this song without its dance had been a debate. but it was decidedly the best choice. they’re standing face to face, microphone in his trembling hands, spotlight shining over their heads.

yunho swallows. no, he will not cry now, not when he still has to hold it together for the fans.

  
  


_(the lyrics are mocking him. what else can justify why the song seems fitting for his mood right now?_

_“just know this before you go, that i was the only man who loved you only.”)_

  
  


yunho breaks into tears. changmin's melodic voice is all he hears. the red sea of lights is all he sees. there's shouting in his ears, no doubt the concert manager telling him to cry later and not now. there's no doubt yunho's missing all his lines in the song. changmin sings them in his place. his voice shakes too. he barely manages to sing the last line of the song, tearful and most likely out of tune. 

yunho falls to his knees, an arm slung over his eyes. changmin rushes to his side, kneeling along with him. he gathers yunho in his arms, until his face is pressed into changmin’s shoulder.

  
  


_(even now, they fit together perfectly. it feels like a cruel joke that the universe had put upon them - that in their last moments, yunho can finally see it. it’s in the way changmin holds him steady, as his own body shakes with choked sobs. it’s in the way changmin breaks down with him, all restraint gone as they cry with each other. it’s seventeen years of history going to be closed - their story ends here. will end now, once they peel themselves from each other to do their final bow. he almost doesn’t want to do it, because if he does then that’s it - tvxq will officially end._

_they must be such a pitiable sight, he’s sure - on the ground, wrapped around each other like men starved of touch. yunho feels changmin’s tears stain his clothes, and he holds onto changmin even tighter._

_after all, they were always good at ignoring what’s in front of them.)_

  
  


* * *

**_plus one: what we might have been_ **

_september 5th, 2020._

changmin’s been fidgeting all morning, yunho notices.

the younger man has been standing in front of the full-body mirror for a good half hour now, fiddling with his tie and brushing off imaginary dust from his suit jacket. the thud of his dress shoes are the only sound in the room as changmin paces back and forth. he’s going to walk a hole into the hotel room’s carpeted floor if he keeps up, yunho thinks.

he thinks it’s fitting, really. changmin - who is rarely nervous, has never been ever since he first stepped foot onstage. but backstage he is filled to the brim with inane worry, as if the crowd will magically dislike him this time. _impossible_ , he thinks, that someone can even manage to not like changmin. 

“here, let me help you with your tie,” yunho offers. it effectively stops changmin’s anxious pacing. yunho steps closer to him, holding the silk tie between his fingers. he tugs apart the messy knot changmin had created, and does the tie much more neatly. when he looks up, changmin is looking back at him.

  
  


_(there's a tinge of sadness in his eyes. yunho can't figure out why. shouldn’t changmin be over the moon on his special day?)_

  
  


“cheer up, changdol-ah,” yunho says, still fixing changmin's collar. “what's going on in that head if yours, hm? you can tell me if you'd like.”

changmin's hand comes up to grasp yunho's wrist. his fingers are delicate as they hold onto him. yunho stops his action, releases the collar from under his grip. changmin looks at him, and the same sadness is still there, tinged with a hint of worry. 

"will you be okay, hyung?" changmin asks. there's nothing condescending in his voice. it's all sincere and soft, just pure concern from one friend to another. 

  
  


_(yunho pushes aside the fact that at one point in their lives, they had something that friendship cannot define. in a time when their lives were so irrevocably tangled with each other’s, they might have been so much more - maybe they might’ve been lovers. but they were always too scared to see the big picture._

_it's a regret yunho will carry until his life withers away and ends. he hopes changmin won't feel the same way as he does. yunho will gladly endure their burdens all on his own, if it means changmin can truly find his own happiness. even if it doesn't involve him anymore.)_

  
  


“i will be, changmin. maybe not today, nor tomorrow. but i promise, i will be one day,” yunho replies. he can feel tears well in his eyes, threatening to fall. 

“don't you worry about your hyung, yeah? because if you're happy, then i'll be happy too.”

changmin nods, and he comes closer to give yunho a hug.

“thank you, yunho-hyung. for everything.”

and he watches, with nothing but happiness in his heart, as the bride walks down the aisle. he stands beside changmin as his best man, and he witnesses them exchange vows - to love each other, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, until death does them part.

  
  


_(there will always be a time and place for everything. at least, that's what yunho tells himself. and in this life, he’s ran out of it - too caught up in the ‘what if’s to realise it had been too late._

_i'll be brave next time, yunho promises. he whispers it silently, all alone, after the ceremony has ended and everyone is headed for the reception. it is heard only by the clear blue skies and carried through the warm summer breeze.)_

**Author's Note:**

> this is my 50th fic on ao3 yay!! /throws streamers/
> 
> also i tried out a different style in this fic! whatcha guys think hehe. comments and inputs are highly appreciated too!
> 
> hit me up on twitter @thirstvxq


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